That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
