Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
