That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
