Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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