I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
