I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
