I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
