The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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