my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
