FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
