I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
