I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize