I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The power of my boobs compel you
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
