Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i will never coherently bang her
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize