Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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