I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
