Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
