My sheets look like a crime scene.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
