1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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