I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
