Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
