I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
