a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
