sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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