I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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