Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think my vagina is haunted
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
