My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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