I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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