i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
