Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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