Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
