I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
