You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize