Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
