Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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