I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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