I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
