I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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