Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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