God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We smell like vodka and hangover
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