So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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