It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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