didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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