I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
