I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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