he puts the penis in happiness.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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