I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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