How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
