I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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