hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
