I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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