I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
