Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
