I molested 6 butterflies tonight
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
