you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
