This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
