Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
