having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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