the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
