I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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