you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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